


Damn that G.L.E.E.

by chariots99



Category: Glee, Glee RPF, Starkid RPF
Genre: Dissing Glee, Friendship, Humour, Just a little bit of fun, Starkids - Freeform, You're Kurt freaking Hummel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-06
Updated: 2013-01-27
Packaged: 2017-11-07 01:17:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/425327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chariots99/pseuds/chariots99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While Chris finds it hilarious, Darren’s in for a lifetime of face-palming humiliation when the StarKids are asked to guest-star on Glee. This ain’t gonna be pretty...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day the First

There were seven of them gathered in the Meeting Room, which was basically a small plain room with chairs and cushions arranged in a circle around the walls, facing the empty centre that acted as a temporary stage. The various Glee cast members were lounging around, their latest scripts in their hands. This scrip was rather unusual – whereas in the past, the title of the episode had been printed across the top in bold letters, this one merely read: “Season Three, Episode Fifteen.”

‘Anyone have any idea why they changed the format?’ Naya Rivera asked, neatly folding her legs beneath her.

Almost everyone directed their expectant gazes towards Lea Michele, who seemed to always be in the loop. But on this particular occasion, she was shaking her head, throwing her hands up in denial.

‘Ryan hasn’t told me a thing,’ she said, looking sorely disappointed.

‘Well, we’ve only had the scripts for a little while; I’m sure he’ll come clean soon,’ said Darren, while Chris just rolled his eyes at the voice of reason.

‘Alright, let’s just do a run-through, shall we?’ Cory asked, flipping his already-highlighted script open. ‘We’re kinda running on a deadline today, and I’d like to actually eat some lunch.’

‘I can’t wait to shoot our performance! Wait, when are those Warbler boys coming over anyway?’ Heather asked.

‘Probably sometime in the afternoon,’ said Amber, before clearing her throat and reading out the stage prompts to set the scene. ‘“ _McKinley hallway. Kurt is at his locker with Blaine. Mercedes, Rachel and Santana are approaching. Three jocks walk past and slushie Blaine –”_ ’

‘Why me?’ Darren groaned. He was ignored.

‘ _“ – The three girls run towards them while Kurt turns, furious.”_ Alright, go Chris!’

‘Hey!’ Chris shouted, pretending to slam a locker. ‘What is your problem?’

‘What’s yours?’ Cory sneered back, filling in for the absent jocks.

‘Oooh, snappy comeback,’ said Chris coolly, mockingly flicking back his hair. ‘Maybe if you spent as much time thinking up retorts as you do buying slushies, you might actually be able to hold a decent conversation.’

Lea opened her mouth, her countenance already oozing with concern over the slushied-Blaine’s wellbeing, when the door to the Meeting Room was suddenly and very dramatically slammed open. Everyone in the room spun to face the intruder, who was only recognised by two of the Glee cast.

‘Brian!’ exclaimed Darren in surprise.

‘Hey Darren,’ Brian Holden said with an easily smile, tossing Chris a wink.

‘What are you doing here?’ said Darren

A rather evil looking smirk played across Brian’s lips. ‘Oh, you know,’ he said casually, ‘just came to show Chris my dick.’ That smirk quickly turned into laughter when Darren began choking on thin air.

Grinning, Chris reached over and thumped Darren on the back a few times before breaking the shocked silence to address the StarKid. ‘Brian, I’m flattered, but unfortunately you’re just not my type.’

‘Wait,’ Cory interrupted with a frown. ‘Were you being serious?’

‘Of course not,’ said Darren, apparently fully recovered. ‘Ignore him, guys; he’s an idiot.’

‘Shut up Darren,’ said Brian, rolling his eyes. ‘Anyway, Chris.’

‘Yes?’

‘The StarKids and I read the script, and we all agreed that your heroic actions deserved to be sung about.’

‘Okay ...’ Chris trailed off, looking rather nervous. ‘So you...’

‘Wrote you a song!’ Brian finished with a flourish, looking spectacularly proud of himself. ‘Which I shall now serenade you with!’

And so saying, he grabbed the ever-present guitar in the room, sat down a little too closely to Chris, and began to play a very familiar tune.

_You’re Kurt freakin’ Hummel!_

_I hope you realise_

_You’re the best guy of them all_

_All the Glee club losers – SAFE!_

_From jocks and dirt_

_All because you are the man, Kurt!_

_If Darren gets slushied, we hope it’ll huuuuurt!_

‘Oi!’ said Darren. ‘You know, I’m meant to be your friend!’

‘Oh, shut up,’ said Brian easily, still strumming the guitar.

‘Yeah, be quiet, you big fat traitor!’ And suddenly, Joey Richter was bounding into the room through the door no one had bothered to shut. ‘Hey Chris! Would you like a delicious Red Vine?’

‘Sure,’ said Chris with a grin, holding out his hand while Joey pulled out a red vine from nowhere and passed it over.

‘Would you like to join in?’ asked Brian.

‘Well of course!’ beamed Joey, and the two began singing in harmony while the rest of the Glee cast looked on in amusement as Darren started banging his miraculously ungelled head continuously against the wall.

_Long story short this guy – Karofsky – was super gay_

_Karofsky? SHHH!_

_He probably thought it was a phase_

_I hate him, but he sorta started Klaine_

Joey pretended to clear his throat, wrapping an arm around the grinning Chris and an arm around a struggling Darren.

_If it weren’t for him and several death threats_

_You never would’ve found out what Blaine does best_

_And now we’re gonna need more help please Lauren Lopez..._

‘What?’ Darren blinked, wrenching himself free of his friend’s tight hold.

At that moment, the grid filtering the air coming through the ventilation duct was kicked clean out of the wall, rocketing across the room. Both Lea and Heather shrieked in surprise, while Cory leapt to his feet, Chris burst into laughter, and Darren dropped his burning face into his hands.

‘Did someone say “Lauren Lopez”?’

‘Hurry up Lauren, you’re going to miss your part!’ Joey hollered towards the duct.

Naya let out an exclamation of shock when the petite blonde girl suddenly came shooting out head first of the duct, flipping once in midair before landing gracefully on Darren.

‘Get off me, you lump!’ came his muffled voice.

‘Oh, shut up,’ Lauren said, settling herself down comfortably. ‘Hey Chris!’

‘Hi Lauren; I like your haircut –’

‘Okay,’ Brian interrupted. ‘Enough chit chat – start singing, Lopez.’

Lauren grinned, still pinning Darren to the ground as she looped her arm through Chris’s and rested her head on his shoulder.

_You’re Kurt freakin’ Hummel!_

_You know you’re cool_

_And your eyes are awesomely blue_

_You’re a whole lot hotter_

_Than Sebastian Smythe_

_So Seblaine shippers beware_

_‘Cause nothing is happening there!_

‘It’s nice to know I have your full confidence,’ said Chris solemnly.

‘Can you get off me now?’ asked Darren.

‘Well, it’s either me or Meredith – take your pick.’

‘Uh, probably you,’ said Darren, wisely choosing the tiny girl. ‘Wait – Meredith is here?’

‘Of course I am!’ came Meredith’s voice as she skipped into the room, holding a large cardboard box.

‘You have got to be – there’s more of them?’ Amber exclaimed.

But Darren was more concerned with what the girl held in her hands. ‘What is that?’ he asked, warily eyeing the box.

‘Present from my mum,’ said Meredith brightly, taking a seat beside the squished Darren and opening the lid. ‘She’s cut out all the articles she could find that featured you, and pretty much forced me to bring it to you. Oh, and I think she was also planning on sending along a life-sized cardboard cut-out of you.’

Darren groaned, letting his face drop into the carpeted floor. ‘Why me?’

‘I think it’s sweet,’ said Chris with a smile, while Lauren affectionately ruffled his hair.

Meredith grinned. ‘That’s because –’

_You’re Kurt freakin’ Hummel!_

_You’re the sweetest boy that ever_

_Walked McKinley’s halls_

_So kind and caring_

_You forgive your past_

_Such an inspiration to us all_

_And best of all, you’re actually tall –_

‘– well, taller than Darren,’ Meredith finished.

‘Everyone’s taller than Darren,’ said Heather, nonplussed.

‘Except Lauren,’ came Darren’s muffled voice.

‘And Lea,’ added Chris.

‘Don’t make me sit on you,’ said Lea with a mocking sneer.

‘Don’t you dare!’ said Brian suddenly, all but dropping the guitar into Joey’s hands as he pointed a threatening finger at the startled girl. ‘I’m here to make sure no one ever hurts Kurt Hummel again.’

A beat passed in which everyone stared at him awkwardly.

‘Uh, dude ...’ Cory began. ‘You do realise that Kurt is ... well ... a fictional character, right?’

‘He doesn’t,’ came a new voice; the all turned to see Jaimee Lynn Beatty walk in, perhaps the first of them to make a relatively normal entrance. ‘He has issues differentiating between fiction and reality – he spent about a month convinced that Darren was really Harry Potter, and that Joe was actually trying to murder him. It gets worse when people are actually in character, you know, all dressed up and everything.’

There was a stunned silence, in which everyone was desperately praying for someone to jump out and yell “April Fools!”. When no denial was forthcoming, several Glee cast members began exchanging glances, seriously questioning the sanity of the intruders.

‘We find it’s easier if you just play along,’ Lauren added.

‘Especially if he starts talking about ... K.L.A.I.N.E.,’ said Joey, carefully spelling out the word and glancing at Brian to make sure he didn’t set him off.

Lea blinked, before sighing and shaking her head. ‘I’m sorry, but who are you people anyway?’

‘Well, together, we’re Team StarKid,’ Jaimee grinned. ‘But individually we are –’

‘Brian!’

‘Joey!’

‘Lauren!’

‘Meredith!’

‘Jaimee!’

‘I’m Kurt’s boyfriend on Glee –’

‘Oh my God, Darren, shut up!’ Joey said, rolling his eyes. ‘Seriously, you’re like the most self-absorbed guy I know! For your information, the world does not always need to revolve around you.’

‘Besides, these lovely people already know who you are,’ Meredith said, before adding a muttered: ‘Traitor.’

‘I would hit you, but Lauren’s still sitting on me,’ said Darren.

‘You hit girls?’ Chris sighed disappointedly. ‘And here I was thinking you were chivalrous. Guess I was mistaken.’

‘Sorely mistaken,’ Jaimee agreed.

‘Are you going to sing me something too?’ Chris asked.

‘You know me too well,’ Jaimee laughed, before bursting into song.

_You’re Kurt freakin’ Hummel!_

_You’re supermegafoxyawesomehot!_

_With so much courage_

_You have an awesome voice_

_And an amazing wardrobe to match_

_We’ve no idea why Blaine took so long to catch_

There were several impressed looks being tossed Jaimee’s way, her amazing voice immediately catching their attention. However, Chris couldn’t help but notice the put-out expression on Lea’s face as she folded her arms with a huff. He barely managed to conceal his laugh, instead asking:

‘Are there any more of you?’

‘Just one,’ said Joey. ‘And I’m pretty sure he’s coming in costume.’

‘He’s coming in –?’ But Chris never got any further than that, for at that precise moment Lord Voldemort strutted into the Meeting Room.

Chris choked, and he wasn’t the only one; on the ground, Darren was spluttering away, while several the Glee cast had fallen off their chairs in shock. Because, whatever they were expecting, this was not it. However, the StarKids treated the newcomer with such a nonchalant air, it was as if they were used to it, as if this was something that happened as a daily occurrence.

‘Hey Joe,’ said Joey.

‘Hey Voldemort,’ said Brian.

‘Hey guys.’ It was weird to see Joe Walker in costume, speaking with his normal voice.

‘This is the strangest thing that’s ever happened to me,’ said Chris.

‘Trust me, I’ve had worse,’ muttered Darren.

‘Oh, shut up,’ said Joe. ‘Ready for this, Chris?’

‘I don’t think anyone can ever be ready for this,’ Chris said. ‘But go ahead.’

Joe spared him one single laugh before he launched into song.

_You’re Kurt freakin’ Hummel!_

_I promise you that this will_

_Be the final verse_

_Of this epic so-ong_

_Which we managed to write_

_Without the help of Darren Criss_

_The traitor within our midst!_

‘That verse was just about me,’ said Darren, lifting his head up.

‘I quite liked it,’ Chris said mildly.

‘Of course you did; I wrote it,’ said Joe proudly.

‘I’m sorry, maybe I’m missing something,’ Cory spoke up, looking highly confused, ‘but can someone explain why there’s a half-naked dude in our rehearsal? Actually scratch that; why are there six crazy people here at all?’

‘Wow, man,’ said Joe. ‘We know Darren’s crazy, but he’s not crazy enough to be counted as six people. Two or three, maybe.’

‘Uh, Joe? I think he meant us,’ said Lauren, tugging on Joe’s cloak.

‘Oh ... yeah, that would more make sense.’

‘We’re here because we’ve been invited to guest star,’ said Brian as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

‘Wait, seriously?’ said Naya. ‘Whose brilliant idea was that?’

‘That would be mine.’ Ryan Murphy said from the door. ‘Glee cast, I’d like you to meet New Direction’s competition at Regionals – the Maritian High Moonshoes.’

.

It had taken a while (a very long while) for Ryan Murphy to figure out exactly why Darren Criss had become such an instant success.

Sure the kid was talented, and extremely so, with a natural charm and easy confidence that some of the other actors sorely lacked. And it definitely helped that his character, the out-and-proud Blaine Anderson, not only stood up for Kurt but was almost immediately labelled Kurt’s boyfriend by the entire fandom (despite Ryan’s original intention to have Blaine act as only a mentor and friend). Plus Darren’s debut song ‘Teenage Dream’ had already been a chart-topper.

But one episode? It took Chord Overstreet at least three or four before he was even acknowledged by some. And yet Darren had somehow managed to capture the entire fandom’s heart in just one episode? Surely there was more to it than that ...

However, it was several months before Ryan had the time to think upon that issue once more, by which time the Glee Live concert had come and passed, and Darren and Chris Colfer completely reinvented the Klaine skit in Dublin. In fact, it was one of the fans who reignited the mystery, at one of their conferences, when she stood up and asked: ‘Are you planning on having the rest of the StarKids guest-star on the show?’

Ryan’s answer had been a completely stumped: ‘What are StarKids?’ At that moment, he had been very aware of Darren sitting beside him, laughing himself to death.

So of course, like any good series creator, Ryan began asking around. His first port-of-call was Lea who always seemed to be in the loop. Unfortunately, she’d been in the middle of rehearsing, or song-writing, or whatever it was she’d actually been doing, and thus had ignored him. So Ryan went to Cory, who’d been just as confused as he.

‘Maybe ask Chris?’ Cory had suggested. ‘He and Darren always seem to have some inside joke going on. He’ll probably know.’

And so, Ryan took Cory’s advice, and tracked down Chris (who’d actually been at home ... for once). After explaining the situation, Chris had merely left the room before coming back and thrusting a USB into his hand.

‘Free up your schedule,’ he’d said when he ushered Ryan out of his house. ‘You’ll need it.’

That was the day Ryan Murphy became a StarKid. And like all StarKids, he began to do a little research on some of the cast. It was rather amusing really; he’d had no idea Darren had actually come with his own (rather extensive) fanbase when he’d joined Glee. But what caught his interest even more was the amazing talent that had been featured in A Very Potter Musical and its sequel, both of which had been on Chris’s USB. Those kids could sing, act and script-write! It was then that the idea began to form in his head.

The next day, upon returning the USB to Chris, Ryan had asked: ‘What do you say to the idea of guest-starring StarKids?’

Chris had just beamed at him. ‘Ryan, if you do that, I will honestly worship you as my new God.’

.

‘I still can’t believe this is happening to me,’ muttered Darren as he sat down for lunch, ignoring the noise made by the rest of the crowded cafeteria.

‘Why not?’ Chris asked, spoon halfway to his mouth.

‘I just ... I just can’t. Why did you say anything? Then at least I would’ve been a _little_ bit prepared.’

‘Now, now Darren, where would the fun in that be?’ Joey asked, grinning as he and the rest of the StarKids joined them at their table.

‘You guys really know how to hold a grudge,’ Darren grumbled. Before he could say anything else though, there was a sudden clatter as Brian dropped his fork, catching all their attention. Turning to him with a frown, he asked: ‘What’s up?’

‘Sebastian,’ Brian breathed.

‘Huh?’

But as they all turned, Darren caught sight of a very confused Grant Gustin, already dressed in Dalton uniform, approaching their table and scratching his head.

‘Hey Grant,’ both Chris and Darren greeted.

‘Hey guys,’ Grant said, flashing them a distracted smile, rubbing the back of his neck as he glanced over his shoulder. ‘Uh, Darren ... erm, don’t know how to tell you this, but there’s a life-sized cardboard cut out of you outside your trailer.’

There was a pause, before Darren let out a long suffering groan, pushing his food away from him so that he could drop his head and repeatedly bang it against the table. Apparently feeling sorry for him, Chris managed to tuck his jumper between his head and the table as some form of insulation. The rest of the StarKids, meanwhile, had burst into laughter at the news, Meredith positively choking with delight at Darren’s reaction.

Grant just blinked at them, nonplussed. ‘Am I missing something here? And ... who are ... is that guy dressed as _Voldemort_?’

‘Don’t mind them,’ Chris said. ‘They’re all crazy.’

‘“Darren” crazy, or “insane” crazy?’

‘Definitely “Darren” crazy,’ said Chris, shaking his head. ‘Hey, have you –’

But whatever Chris had been about to say was cut off when Brian suddenly jumped up out of his seat, his full cup of orange juice in his hand.

‘Whoa, Brian!’ Joe exclaimed, reaching out to pull his friend back down, but Brian quickly danced out of the still-dressed-as-Voldemort boy’s reach, before stalking forwards, approaching a rather taken-aback Grant with a sneer.

‘This is for slushying Kurt’s boyfriend,’ he growled. And before anyone could do anything, he’d snapped his arm forwards and tossed the entire contents of his cup into Grant Gustin’s face.

Shocked silence whipped through the entire cafeteria. Even the volunteers serving them lunch had dropped their ladles. It was so quiet, a pin drop would’ve probably sounded like an explosion, while they all waited to see how Grant would react. To his credit though, Grant did nothing more than slowly raise his arm to wipe the orange juice off his face. The Dalton blazer was ruined anyway. He was about to say something but, after catching the pleading look on Darren’s face, simply closed his mouth, before spinning on his heels and walking out of the cafeteria, no doubt to get a change of costume.

The entire cafeteria breathed a relieved sigh, before all hesitantly turning back into their previous conversations, though now more than one set of eyes were carefully surveying Brian.

‘Dude,’ Darren hissed, forcing his friend back into his seat, ‘you can’t throw _orange juice_ into people’s faces!’

‘He deserved it.’

‘ _Sebastian_ deserved it. Grant didn’t.’

‘I see no difference,’ said Brian, turning up his nose and returning to his lunch.

Darren sighed, catching Chris’s amused eye, before dropping his head back onto the table and muttering: ‘Please, kill me now.’

‘It really sucks to be you right now, doesn’t it?’ asked Chris, casually sipping his orange juice. ‘I mean, your expression ... it could literally be used as the definition for “fml”.’

‘You’re enjoying this way too much,’ Darren grumbled. ‘You have no idea how seriously I’m regretting introducing you to them.’

‘Why? Because that’s one more person to gang up on you?’ Chris grinned, ruffling Darren’s hair purely because he knew Darren hated it. He was evil, sometimes. And with such an innocent face, no one ever believed it when Darren accused him of being pure evil.

That afternoon, they were shooting the actual performance for Regionals. Which basically meant a lot of people on set, and one very stressed out Ryan Murphy, who hadn’t taken kindly to the lead Warbler needing a change. As he set about rearranging that afternoon’s shooting schedule, Darren helped his friends keep one oblivious Brian Holden out of Ryan’s sight, on the off chance the man lost his temper and went into a rage.

‘We need the Moonshoes on stage now!’ one of the Assistant Directors shouted, rushing into the changing room. He began ushering everyone who was dressed in red out towards the set. ‘Moonshoes! Quickly now!’

Darren and Chris exchanged identical glances, before quickly following the StarKids out, taking a seat on the side while the six StarKids took their places on stage in front of eight other extras who apparently made up the rest of the “Moonshoes”.

‘This is going to be interesting,’ said Chris.

‘I can’t believe they’re allowed to sing _my_ songs, and I can’t!’ Darren pouted.

‘Shut up, Darren,’ said Chris fondly, rolling his eyes as he patted the top of Darren’s head in a most patronizing manner.

On the stage below, the StarKids grinned at each other as the Director shouted ‘ACTION!’. This was going to be so much fun.

Music began to play overhead as Lauren and Brian stepped forwards into the spotlight, taking the first verse. While Ryan had explained to them that lip-syncing along to their pre-recorded voices was fine, the StarKids had point blank refused, stating that it would be fake, and that they were all perfectly able to sing and dance, thank you very much. Jaimee had even managed to negotiate it so that they would sing live, the microphones clipped onto their ears used to record their voices while they were only backed with an instrumental track. And while Ryan had pointed out how tired they would get after the twentieth take, the StarKids were adamant about doing it live.

Though Ryan had caved in, and though there was some excitement amongst the editing staff at the twist, Darren had been most vocal about his disagreement, convinced that they were planning on screwing around with them.

Lauren had to work hard to suppress her smirk, mindful of the fact that the cameras were rolling. Darren really had no idea how right he’d been. Closing her eyes, she took several deep breaths, letting herself get into character, before coming in on her queue, Brian’s voice blending seamlessly with her own.

_Look how the silk worms sway in the wind_

_Weaving their silk, regardless of what you’ve done_

_Or where you’ve been_

_They’ll give you_

_Beauty_

‘What do you know,’ Chris whispered, ‘Lupin really can sing.’

Darren snorted, but didn’t deign to comment.

On stage, Lauren and Brian stepped back to allow Meredith and Joey to have the spotlight, the two twirling around each in a mockingly uncoordinated manner other as they sang, pretending to trip and fall, and laughing when they spotted Zach the choreographer slapping his forehead from the corner of their eyes.

_See how the dragonfly dances through the flowers_

_A brilliant ballet, at fifteen miles an hour!_

_There’s no admission_

_To this vision of_

_Beauty_

‘Hey guys.’

Darren jumped, snapping his head up to see Lea Michele. ‘Hey Lea.’

‘They’re not doing so well, are they?’ Lea whispered, taking a seat next to Chris. ‘Those two aren’t exactly that coordinated.’

‘They’re just fooling around,’ said Darren, rolling his eyes. ‘Apparently, they’ve yet to see Zach chuck a fit. I warned them that antagonising the man isn’t a great idea, but hey, since when does anyone listen to me?’

‘Or maybe they’re just braver than the rest of us combined,’ Chris said.

Lea would’ve answered, if Jaimee hadn’t chosen that exact moment to belt out the next verse, Joe having no trouble keeping up with her powerful voice. Strangely enough, the two were highly embellishing the melody, adding in impossible leaps and flashy harmony that Darren definitely did not recall writing. It wasn’t until he spotted the challenging smirk Jaimee shot in their direction, and until he saw Lea’s narrowed eye response, that he thought he understood.

_And it might, be slightly different_

_From the things that you may know_

_You can’t deny, there’s something special_

_When you see the night sky glow_

With a huff, Lea stormed away, making a beeline for Ryan. Darren and Chris watched their hushed argument with uncontained curiosity, while the Director sat by uncomfortably, clearly having no idea if he should keep filming while Ryan was distracted. However the StarKids and the extras had begun belting out the chorus now, which they’d somehow arranged into eight-part harmony without Darren’s consent, and so the cameras kept rolling.

It was now, though, that the StarKids began playing up. Instead of following choreography like the extras were doing, Lauren and Brian broke off into what Darren recognised as the Quidditch dance from AVPS, getting up in each other’s faces while singing about beauty. Meredith and Joey were marching along, as if they were singing “Voldemort is Going Down”, while Joe was dancing so closely and intimately next to Jaimee, he looked like he was dry humping her. She looked like she didn’t mind at all.

It was the most bizarre thing Darren had ever witnessed, and that was saying something considering he grew up with these people.

_So look out!_

_It’s around every corner_

_There’s something magical in the air_

_Don’t hide, from your eyes or ignore_

_There is beauty_

_Beauty everywhere!_

‘Cut, _cut_ , CUT!’ the Director shouted, while Zach stormed up on stage, steam all but coming from his ears as he ranted and raged at the nonplussed StarKids.

‘Well, at least they didn’t mess with the lyrics,’ said Darren, relieved.

‘You’re not upset that they massacred your song?’ Chris asked, curious.

‘Well, compared to what they could’ve done ...’ Darren trailed off, not even needing to finish his thought. It was at that moment that Lea came skipping back to them, a very unsettling smile on her face.

‘Guess what guys, I’ve got some amazing news!’ she grinned.

‘For you, or for us?’ Chris asked wearily.

‘For us, of course! Ryan’s agreed to let us record live, too!’ she crowed. ‘I’m going to tell the others; you two better warm up.’

‘That girl is turning more and more into her character with each passing day.’

Darren had nothing to say to that, so wisely he kept his mouth shut.

It turned out to be one of the most gruelling days of shooting they’d ever had. With the added stress of actually having to sing and harmonise, something a lot of them simply weren’t used to doing over and over again, they were all but dead by the end of the day. Only the StarKids seemed to be enjoying themselves; indeed their scene had taken fifty-three shots, of which the Director had estimated about five were usable. The New Directions fared rather badly, since most of them really had no experience singing and dancing at the same time, over and over again. Jenna did her best to coach the rest of her team through their gruelling performance, which consisted of some of the hardest choreography they’d performed to date. Meanwhile, Lea was in her element, bounding around on the stage, hitting impossibly high notes, and all the while tossing triumphant smirks in Jaimee’s direction.

It was the Warblers, however, who suffered the most. The good news was that Grant Gustin was also a Broadway veteran. The bad news was that he played Sebastian Smythe. The really bad news was that Brian Holden had somehow managed to find the slushie machine.

‘Help me!’ Joey shouted, his arms wrapped tightly around Brian’s waist, pulling him away from the set. Joe grabbed one of Brian’s flailing arms, while Darren was left to jump for the slushie cup being held high out of his reach.

‘Let me go!’ Brian said, struggling as Chris joined in, a handful of Brian’s shirt in his hands as he helped pull the boy back.

‘As much as I would love to screw around with them some more,’ said Lauren, clambering onto Blaine’s back, ‘it’s almost nine, and I’d really love dinner before I go to bed tonight. Jump Darren, jump!’

Growling, Darren jumped, giving Lauren enough of a boost to knock the cup out of Brian’s hand, showering them all with the ice cold slushie.

‘Good one, Lauren,’ said Darren, dumping the girl off his back.

‘Oh, shut up,’ Lauren retorted.

Unfortunately, in the relief that had followed Brian’s disarming, they’d let their guard down too soon. As a result, Brian twisted easily out of Joey’s grasp and leapt up onto the stage, all but tackling Grant to the ground, a rather amazing feat considering how tall Grant was. Even as they all stood around, jaws dropped in shock, Brian pulled back his fist, clearly intent on getting in a few punches before they threw him off the set. It was Riker Lynch who reacted first, somehow managing to grab Brian and haul him back so that his punch missed by several inches.

‘Unhand me, you –!’ Brian shouted, twisting as Curt Mega ran forwards to help restrain him.

The rest of the cast and crew just stared, or, in Ryan’s case, laughed themselves silly at the maddened boy now shouting insults at the highly confused and terrified looking Grant, who clearly had no idea that the only thing he’d done wrong was be chosen to play Sebastian Smythe.

‘Do you think we should stop him?’ Darren asked, worriedly chewing his lip.

‘Nah,’ said Jaimee. ‘If it were bad, Mr Murphy would’ve already done something.’

‘Besides, the cameras are still rolling,’ Chris pointed out. ‘Maybe they’re planning on actually keeping his rant in the episode. I must say, this is rather epic.’

‘Either that, or it’ll have its own little section in the blooper reel,’ Meredith laughed.


	2. Day the Second

Serious filming began the very next morning, when the Moonshoes would actually be introduced as the competition. Usually, Darren quite enjoyed filming in the Lima Bean, since those scenes had a history of being quirky insults and cuddles and kisses. It was also a huge bonus that the chairs were so comfortable.

Unfortunately, on that particular day, he wasn’t looking forward to filming at all. It may have had something to do with the fact that he was still half asleep; he’d spent most of the night reassuring Grant that his friends were their own little brand of crazy, while at the same time frantically trying to memorize his script, which had undergone a last minute change after Ryan had observed the dynamics of the StarKids mixing in with the rest of the Glee Cast. The fact that they’d had to be at hair and makeup at five in the morning for a six o’clock start was definitely not helping his mood. Neither was the fact that both Lea and Cory were wide awake, hyper even – the two were shooting their own scene in the morning too, though Darren suspected that theirs wouldn’t turn into a huge disaster.

‘Wake up!’

Darren jumped when a very hard shoe came in contact with his shin. ‘Wha –?’

‘You were nodding off,’ said Chris, looking only slightly apologetic at maiming his friend.

‘You didn’t have to kick me,’ Darren grumbled.

‘Sorry. But your friends just arrived, and you’re probably going to need to keep an eye on Grant. Or Brian,’ shrugged Chris, setting his empty coffee cup on the table. ‘I’m not sure which of the two would do more damage.’

‘Definitely Brian,’ Darren nodded.

‘Really?’

‘Well, he did give Joe a scar once, after charging at him with his fork.’

‘ _What?_ ’ Chris choked.

‘To be fair, Joe was dressed like Voldemort,’ said Darren.

Thankfully, before Chris had time to comment, Ryan called them all to attention. ‘Alright guys! Now that the StarKids have decided to grace us with their presence –’

‘You’re welcome!’ came Joey’s voice from somewhere off set.

‘– Let’s make a start,’ Ryan finished, completely ignoring the StarKids (something which Darren couldn’t blame him for doing). ‘Chris, Darren, the camera’s going to be circling you for this, so don’t get confused. Grant, your entrance needs to be impeccable otherwise you’ll walk into the camera. You’ll hear me shout out when the StarKids enter, so that’s one less thing to worry about. All clear? Good; let’s get started.’

The immediate area around Darren and Chris’s table was cleared while the two actors settled into their characters and the crew began to operate the cameras. Instead of the normal “zoom-in-on-actor-A-before-panning-to-actor-B”, Ryan had decided to have the camera continuously circle the table, making life hard for everyone since the cameraman would probably get dizzy, Grant had only certain angles from which he could approach his chair, and Darren and Chris would have to continuously and as subtly as possible change their posture so that the their faces could still be seen on screen.

‘Cameras rolling ... and ACTION!’

‘I really wish I could’ve gotten a solo,’ Chris sighed. ‘I mean, not that Rachel doesn’t deserve it or anything ...’

‘I totally get what you mean,’ said Darren in his most reassuring tone. ‘Honestly, I think Mr Shue’s just trying to play favourites now. But hey, maybe you’ll get a chance for Nationals!’

‘Yeah, that’d be nice,’ Chris said gloomily. ‘Assuming we can win.’

‘Hey, cheer up,’ said Darren gently, leaning forwards so that he could cover Chris’s hand with his own. ‘I’m pretty sure we’ve got this contest in the bag. I mean, we all know we can beat the Warblers. And the Moonshoes will be a piece of cake.’

‘I’ve never even heard of the Moonshoes before,’ said Chris.

‘That’s because they were never counted in our region until the Senator decided to combine us to even out tax collections.’

They both looked up to see Grant smoothly avoid being run over by the still-rotating camera.

‘Hello Blaine. Nice to see you up and about.’

Darren rolled his eyes. ‘Yeah, no thanks to you.’

‘You know, Sebastian,’ Chris said testily. ‘I would’ve thought even someone as mentally challenged as you would’ve realised that you’re not wanted here.’

‘Aw, Kurt, don’t be like that,’ said Grant easily, placing a hand over his chest. ‘Last I checked, _you_ were the one who backed out of our little competition.’ He paused, as if letting the insult sink in, before shifting his weight and carrying on. ‘But I’m actually here to deliver a message: we’re not doing Michael at Regionals.’

Darren and Chris exchanged glances, carefully correcting their own expressions so that they showed the same level of surprise at the news.

‘Seems I was outvoted,’ Grant said, pretending to take a sip from his seemingly ever-present coffee cup. ‘The rest of the Warblers enjoyed your little show more than I thought they would –’

‘Because they’re actually human,’ Chris nodded.

‘So MJ’s all yours, if you still think you can pull him off,’ Grant finished.

‘ _And ... enter StarKids!’_ Ryan shouted from the side.

The doors to the Lima Bean set were suddenly thrown open as Joe Walker strutted in. Unfortunately, he hadn’t been aware of just how flimsy the doors actually were. There was a loud splintering sound as the hastily erected door was torn right off its hinges, slipping out of Joe’s surprised hand and slamming into the ground.

Darren dropped his head into the table with a groan as Joe looked up sheepishly. ‘Oops?’

‘Cut!’ Ryan sighed. Already, technicians were hurrying over to reattach the door to its frame. ‘Sorry guys, but we’re going to have to take this whole thing from the top.’

The table shook slightly as Chris’s head also thumped down.

The next take didn’t work either, since Grant actually did walk into the camera this time. As he limped away, Darren couldn’t help but think that this would be the longest morning he’d ever had. Sure enough, in the next take, Joe walked in and forgot his line. The one after that saw Lauren tripping over her shoelace. The one after _that_ , Grant was almost bowled over by the camera again.

‘CUT!’

‘Oh, for the love of –’ Darren swore fluently under his breath, missing the rather impressed looks tossed his way by both Chris and Grant.

Their next take had everyone holding their breath. Several of the crew relaxed when Grant made it past the camera unscathed. But Darren knew better than to celebrate too soon; his friends were notorious for screwing everyone around, and with their lines being purely insults, he had no doubt they would go overboard. And sure enough ...

‘Well, well, well,’ Joe sneered, ‘if it isn’t Frodo the Fairy.’

Grant blinked. ‘I’m sorry, but who are you?’

‘And _what_ did you just say?’ Chris all but growled.

‘Kurt ...’

‘Oh, look at that!’ Lauren squealed, pointing to their interlocked hands. ‘Blainey’s found himself a boyfriend!’

‘You know these people?’ Chris asked, turning to Darren, who had paled and was trying to make himself seem small and inconsequential.

‘Remember how I told you I’d transferred to Dalton too?’ he winced. ‘Well ... they’re the reason why.’

‘You know, we came to check out the competition,’ said Jaimee mildly, examining her nails. ‘But if the competition is made solely from dancing queers, then I don’t think we have anything to worry about.’

Grant choked. ‘Excuse me?’

‘You heard her,’ Brian said. ‘Or has being gay also affected your sense of hearing too?’

Growling, Grant slammed his cup down on the table. ‘I’ll show you –’

‘Sebastian,’ said Chris warningly. ‘Not worth it.’

‘Where is Joey anyway?’ asked Meredith, looking behind her towards the door. ‘Parking a car isn’t rocket-science.’

They were doing so well that, for a split second, Darren was beginning to have some hope that they may actually get through the take in one piece. So of course, the universe had to go and completely screw him over.

Joey entered the set with his arms outstretched, a blue headband around his head. ‘Did someone say Joey Richter?!’

And everyone groaned. Well, everyone but the StarKids, who burst into applause and congratulated Joey on his spectacular entry.

‘I am going to _kill_ your friends,’ Chris muttered darkly. ‘Do you want some time to say goodbye?’

‘Oh, screw that; I’m joining you.’

It took two more takes for Joey to fit his actual line in (‘Sorry it took me so long; I was yelling at two guys kissing outside’), after which there was much celebration amongst the crew. Darren was almost tackled out of his chair when Joe Walker threw himself at his friend, sobbing in apology for being so mean, while Darren patted him awkwardly on the back. Thankfully, Ryan shouted at them to get back into position once more, so that they could change camera angles and whatnot. It was perfect timing too; he wasn’t sure if Joey and Meredith could keep Brian from strangling Grant much longer. After a few additional directional inputs from Ryan (“Darren, try to look more scared; these are the people who beat you half to death”), the cameras began rolling again.

All in all, the scene took them almost five hours to film, after which they were quickly hurried off to hair and makeup, before being shipped off in separate directions. Grant was meeting back up with the Warblers (Darren didn’t even bother suppressing his jealousy), the StarKids were going to film for the first time in their school, while Darren and Chris would be heading back to McKinley’s choir room to join up with the rest of the New Directions. The moment they walked onto the set, they were all but bombarded with questions.

‘Why didn’t you ever tell us about the Muscials?’

‘How on earth did you manage to turn out relatively sane?’

‘Why did that girl enter through the ventilation system?’

‘Guys!’ Lea finally exclaimed. ‘They’ve only just come in – at least give them some breathing space!’

‘Thanks Lea,’ said Chris with a grateful smile as he and Darren took their seats.

‘You’re welcome. So  ... why didn’t you ever tell us about the StarKids, Darren?’

Darren groaned, letting his head fall backwards as the questions erupted around him once more. The apologetic but highly amused expression on Chris’s face was anything but helpful. Thankfully at that moment, Ryan walked in with Matthew Morrison, and shouted at them all to get into their seats.

‘We’re on a tighter schedule than normal, because our morning shoot went overtime,’ he said. Darren valiantly avoided his eye. ‘Since you’re all old-school at this, I know I can count on you guys to just whizz through this scene.’

Almost immediately, the entire room sat up straighter, their expressions schooled into exactly what their characters should be feeling. It was amusing to Darren, though only because he knew that the only reason they were suddenly so well behaved was due to the fact that they wanted to show-up the newcomers. Who weren’t even there, but that wasn’t the point.

‘Everyone ready? Okay, and – ACTION!’

They finished the scene in three takes.

.

‘You’re friends still aren’t finished then?’

‘Not even close.’

The cafeteria was filled with cast and crew alike, chattering away as they ate their lunch and prepared for the afternoon filming session. There was a notable group of guys all still dressed in the Dalton uniform; the blazers were missing though, due to the fact that Wardrobe was now guarding those things like the Crown Jewels after yesterday’s orange juice fiasco. There was also a notable lack of chaos thanks to the fact that the StarKids were still shooting their scene.

‘We probably won’t even see them until this afternoon,’ said Darren.

‘Should we bring them some food?’ Lea asked, worried, while Chris just snorted from beside him.

‘No, they’ll be fine,’ Darren said. ‘Joey could literally pull out enough food to feed an army. And not like a small, shitty army; one of those huge, conquer-and-destroy-the-world type of army.’

‘That’s ... um, interesting,’ said Dianna hesitantly.

‘You have the strangest friends,’ Cory said, before stuffing his mouth, completely unaware of the fact that the entire table had looked away in disgust.

‘Watch who you’re calling strange!’

Darren looked up as the cafeteria doors burst open to reveal five StarKids, along with a group of their very exhausted-looking crew, who didn’t hesitate to abandon them in favour of food. ‘You guys certainly took your time.’

‘Oh, shut up,’ said Joey, taking a seat beside the boy and helping himself to Darren’s chips. ‘It’s all Joe’s fault, anyway.’

‘What? That’s absurd – how is this my fault?’ Joe exclaimed.

‘You were the one who knocked over the set,’ said Meredith.

‘Yeah, but I didn’t realise those walls were so flimsy! Besides, Brian was the one who forgot his lines!’

‘I didn’t forget my lines!’ Brian protested. ‘I was just laughing so hard at your utter lack of coordination! Oh, hey Kurt!’

Blinking, Chris looked up at the beaming StarKid, before looking down at himself and realising that he was still dressed in one of Kurt’s ridiculous outfits. He sighed in resignation. ‘Hey Brian.’

‘So, how’s your boyfriend doing?’ asked Brian, snaking an arm around his shoulders.

A mischievous glint, one that Darren definitely did not like, appeared in Chris’s eyes. ‘Hm, I think he’s alright. Why don’t you ask him though – he’s sitting right there.’

‘Oh, Blaine! Man, I didn’t see you!’ Brian exclaimed. ‘Probably because you’re so short and all.’

‘Thanks man,’ Darren nodded, itching to throw the jug of water in Brian’s face.

‘Well, no offence or anything,’ said Brian. ‘I mean, you’re a good height for Kurt and everything; it’s just, you are a little on the short side. It’s probably easier for Kurt to kiss you though; well, easier than if you were taller than him, you know?’

Darren stared at him, before deciding that it simply wasn’t worth it. Pulling his lunch away from Joey he said: ‘Didn’t you only have like half a song to sing? Surely even with forgetting lines and knocking over sets, you would’ve been done before us.’

‘Well, yeah, you’d think so wouldn’t you? And you’d be right, if Jaimee hadn’t kept changing her solo,’ said Joe, rolling his eyes. ‘I mean, how hard is it to sing “ _I am a woman in love; and I'd do anything to get you into my world_ ”?’

‘Not my fault,’ said Jaimee, speaking up for the first time. Her voice sounded slightly hoarse, as if she’d been pushing much too hard without a proper warm-up. ‘It just ... it didn’t sound right, you know? So I just kept changing it, and changing it; and I think the AD was getting kinda nervous –’

‘Wait,’ Lea interrupted them, her eyes fixed on Jaimee. ‘You got “ _Woman in Love”_ as your solo? You got a _Streisand solo_?’

‘Yes sweetheart, I got a Streisand solo,’ said Jaimee. Her expression suddenly changed, becoming much too sweet and innocent for Darren to truly believe. ‘Why, didn’t you get one by someone so inspirational?’

Lea growled something under her breath before abruptly getting to her feet and stomping off.

‘Did you have to antagonise her?’ Chris asked wearily.

‘No, but it was fun,’ said Jaimee cheerfully.

‘I need new friends,’ Darren muttered. ‘Ones that _aren’t_ insane or suicidal. Speaking of which ... where’s Lauren?’

‘Up there somewhere,’ said Meredith, gesturing towards the air ducts. ‘She’s just mapping out the ventilation system – don’t worry though, she’ll done before our afternoon shoot.’

‘I’m so glad to hear,’ Darren said, painfully aware of the incredulous looks being fixed on him and his StarKid friends.

‘Hey, Darren.’

Darren looked up to see Grant standing at his shoulder with a script in his hand, having somehow approached their table without him noticing.

‘Hey Grant, what’s up?’

‘I had a question about page fourteen of the script,’ said Grant, flipping the script open and showing Darren the pre-highlighted paragraph. ‘Not going to lie, but the stage directions were a little confusing. I was wondering if you could help me out?’

‘Yeah, sure!’ Darren grinned, gesturing for him to sit down. Grant and Chris exchanged greetings, before he handed the script over to Darren.

‘See, it says that I’m supposed to be talking to Chris here, but _here_ it says I’m sitting quite far away from ... well, everyone,’ said Grant. ‘So, I dunno, is it a typo or something, or do you think –’

‘Alright, that is _it_!’ Brian suddenly shouted, slamming down his empty cup. The table fell silent as he locked eyes with Grant. ‘Sebastian, I am _sick_ of you trying to steal Blaine away from Kurt! He’s life has been bad enough; he doesn’t need you to taint the only good thing going on in his world!’

‘I – you – he – _what_?’ choked Grant, clearly taken aback by the outburst.

‘Your innocent act won’t fool me,’ sneered Brian. ‘I know people in high places, and I’m not afraid to sic them on you and your State’s Attorney dad.’

‘Look, man, I know you have some unusual ... thinking patterns,’ said Grant, ‘but regardless, that does not give you the right to talk to me like this. I’ve done nothing wrong, and –’

‘Don’t be goofy with me, Sebastian,’ growled Brian, pointing a finger in Grant’s chest. ‘I’m not afraid to hack off what will undoubtedly be your favourite and least impressive appendage and shove it up your ass so that you are literally fu –’

‘Okay!’ Joe exclaimed, cutting Brian off. ‘I think we’ve heard enough!’

‘Oh my God, that did not just happen,’ Darren whispered, mortified.

Grant was staring at Brian with his jaw hanging rather loosely, while Chris had his head buried in his arms; judging from his shaking shoulders, he looked like he was laughing so hard that he could barely breathe. Several of the StarKids were forcefully pushing Brian back into his seat, while the Glee cast sitting with them were clearly regretting their decision as they slowly edged away in their seats. Darren turned to the shell-shocked Grant with the most pleading look he could manage.

‘I am so sorry, Grant; I honest didn’t even _think_ about – I’d completely forgotten he was there!’

‘Yeah,’ Grant nodded slowly. ‘Yeah, no, it’s alright, it’s not your fault. I think I’m just going to go talk to Titus for a bit...’

Darren groaned, burying his face in his hands as the rather shaky looking Grant left. ‘Is there any way I can wipe the last few minutes from my mind?’

‘Not unless you know how to Obliviate yourself,’ Chris grinned, tears of laughter streaming down his face.

‘I’m glad you found that funny, Colfer.’

‘Oh, believe me when I say this; it was _hilarious_.’

Thankfully, the rest of lunch passed without any further incidents. Though that was mainly due to their combined efforts to keep Brian in his seat, as he kept trying to get up to give “Sebastian” a piece of his mind.

That afternoon, after the routine costume change and touch-ups in their cosmetics, Darren, Chris and the StarKids were escorted to the set of Kurt’s home, where Mike O’Malley, the actor who played Burt Hummel, was already waiting for them. As if Darren’s day could not get any worse...

‘Hey kids, how’re you doing?’ Mike said cheerfully, pulling Chris and Darren into hugs while shaking hands with the other StarKids.

‘Mr Hummel!’ Brian exclaimed. ‘Oh man, can I just say, you are an _amazing_ father and you should be so proud of your son!’

Mike slowly withdrew his hand. Behind him, Chris hid a smile, while Darren just turned to the nearest wall and began knocking his head against it. He seemed to be doing that a lot recently.

‘Don’t mind him, Mike,’ said Chris, before he quickly explained the situation in a whisper, the other StarKids adding occasional pieces of information while Brian just continued to grin at the man. Therefore, it was only Darren who heard it. The faint clattering coming from overhead, which seemed to be approaching them rather quickly. Darren looked up and, upon seeing the grid filtering the ventilation system start to rattle, threw himself away from the wall.

A second later, Lauren Lopez came tumbling out. Somehow, she managed to land on her feet, where upon she brushed the dirt off her clothes with a nonchalant air.

‘Yeah ... Mike, that’s Lauren,’ introduced Chris. ‘She ... she has unique methods of transportation.’

‘P-Pleasure,’ stuttered Mike, his eyes flickering from the air duct to the girl and back again.

Lauren looked up. Upon spotting Mike, her entire expression lit up like a Christmas tree. ‘Daddy!’ she exclaimed happily, running towards him so fast the StarKids literally had to dive out of the way. ‘Daddy, you’ve come to love me!’

Mike grunted in shock as Lauren all but leapt into his arms, wrapping herself around him in the tightest hug known to man. Wincing in sympathy, Darren repeatedly mouthed an apology to him while Chris tried to convince Lauren to let the man go, something he didn’t have a lot of luck with.

Their afternoon shoot could definitely have gone better. For one thing, after being jumped on, Mike must’ve sprained a muscle or something, for his movements were much tenser than normal, and he kept wincing whenever he was forced to reach for something. Darren and Chris tried their best to get through their parts as quickly as possible, but it was rather difficult when Brian kept calling out; ‘Just kiss him already!’

‘Holden!’ the Director finally snapped. ‘If you don’t shut it, I’m kicking you off set!’

‘Don’t worry sir, we’ll keep him quiet,’ Joey promised.

Unfortunately, he decided to do that by holding a pillow firmly against Brian’s face, prompting Darren to have to run out in the middle of his scene in order to make sure Brian was still alive and breathing.

‘Just use some duct tape or something, don’t suffocate him!’ he said, exasperated.

Because he was only in the start of the scene, Mike was free to leave after the ninth take. And honestly, Darren had never seen any of the adult actors move as fast as him. But he wasn’t fast enough to avoid Lauren’s crash-tackle hug that had them all jumping to their feet so they could pull her off him.

‘Bye daddy!’ she called to his quickly disappearing figure. ‘I’ll send you some crayon drawings!’

Darren groaned, and allowed himself to flop off the couch and onto the ground.

Filming the part with the StarKids was even worse. In the scene, Kurt and Blaine were meant to be cuddling on the couch while the TV played uselessly in the background. They were supposed to be talking in hushed whispers, and generally act all lovey-dovey, when the Moonshoes (who have somehow tracked down where each and every member of the New Directions live) egg Kurt’s house. Of course, it was never a good idea to give any of the StarKids several cartons of eggs and tell them to go forth, because what ended up happening was –

‘ _Why are you aiming at me?!_ ’ Darren shouted, jumping up from the couch as the StarKids ambushed him. Delicate egg shells shattered and spilled their contents onto his hair and his clothes; he could feel the york dripping down his face as he shielded himself, even as another batch of eggs were thrown. Along with something that felt like a Red Vine. ‘Whatever happened to the Code of the Order of the Jellylegs?’

‘Yeah, after you left, we agreed to treat the Code as more of a set of guidelines, rather actual rules,’ Jaimee shrugged.

‘What?! You can’t just _revoke_ the Code –!’

‘Shut up Darren!’ Meredith said cheerfully, managing to smash an egg right between Darren’s eyes. ‘And seriously, sit down!’

Chris was absolutely no help, having dissolved into laughter the moment Darren had been set upon. That same laughter now followed Darren out as he rushed blindly away from the StarKids. Of course, he had forgotten about Lauren, who’d climbed onto Joe’s shoulders and crawled back into the air ducts, armed with a carton of eggs.

Her superior knowledge of the maze of vents, along with the tactical advantage of being higher off the ground, plus the fact that Darren wasn’t armed anyway, meant that by the time Lauren had run out of ammo, Darren was completely and utterly drenched, and also very sticky as a result.

‘I hate you all,’ he said, even as Joe pulled out a handful of goose feathers and mashed it into Darren’s head. ‘I hate you all so, _so_ much.’

The resulting mess had taken so long to clean that by the time Darren showed up for their next shoot, everyone else was already there and mingling. Joey and Joe had a firm hold on Brian, keeping him well away from the Warblers (and Grant in particular). They were talking to Heather, who was staring between them with an expression of such confusion that Darren was sure they were messing around with their names again. And sure enough:

‘Wait, I thought you were Joey,’ said Heather, pointing at Joey, who sighed.

‘No, I’m Joe. He’s Joey,’ he said, pointing at Joe while yanking Brian back. ‘We’re not twins Heather, it’s not that hard to tell us apart.’

‘I’m sure Darren introduced _you_ as Joey though,’ frowned Heather.

‘No, I’m definitely Joe.’

‘Yeah, and I’m definitely Joey,’ said Joe. He looked so serious that she shook her head and began to apologise for getting their names wrong.

Elsewhere, Jaimee and Lea were having a very deadly looking conversation, with Cory and Naya trapped uncomfortably in the middle, obviously not wanting to take sides but at the same time unable to excuse themselves from the battle of the talents. Riker Lynch and Curt Mega were the only two Warblers who had abandoned the safety of the pack, both chatting to Meredith who had never looked more excited – Darren had the sinking feeling the three were exchanging embarrassing stories about him, a feeling that only intensified when they caught sight of him and burst into roaring laughter. Meanwhile, Lauren was hanging upside-down from the windowsill by her legs while talking to Chris, who was probably the only one at ease with her unusual position.

‘Alright, now that Darren is here we can get started!’ Ryan called. ‘Get into your positions. And if you want dinner at an appropriate time, I suggest you stop mucking around.’ Those final words were said with a particularly hard glare at the StarKids, all of whom immediately assumed innocent expressions that fooled no one.

Beside him, Darren heard Jenna moan: ‘We’re going to be here forever, aren’t we?’ He couldn’t help but voice his agreement.

The entire cast quickly arranged themselves so that it was the Warblers and the New Directions facing off against the StarKids. This scene would be one of the final scenes of the episode. It was also one of the most uncertain scenes they would be shooting; Ryan had already informed them all that the scene may or may not be cut from the final edit, depending on how it worked out. Which meant that they may be putting in a lot of effort to act out a scene that wouldn’t even be shown.

‘Cut, _cut_ , CUT!’ Ryan bellowed. ‘Joey, do you even know what your line is?’

‘No, not really,’ shrugged Joey. One of the ADs quickly hurried forwards, script in hand.

‘Wait – I thought that guy was Joe,’ whispered Heather, pulling at Darren’s sleeve to get his attention.

‘Please don’t ask me,’ Darren pleaded. ‘Please.’

Beside him, Chris shook his head, an amused smile playing upon his lips, while Ryan turned to them all and ordered them back into position.

The scene ended up taking so long to film that they missed dinner. It was about ten by the time they’d finished, at which point Darren was just about ready to collapse into a deep slumber and never wake. But of course, Chris wouldn’t let him just sleep on the ground. Instead, he was prodded out the door and towards the car park.

‘I hope you know that this is all your fault,’ Darren said as they neared his car.

‘How is this my fault?’ asked Chris, curious.

‘If you hadn’t told Ryan who the StarKids were, he’d never have become enough of a fan to _invite_ them on set, and we wouldn’t have missed dinner,’ Darren hissed, listing out the points on his fingers. ‘Therefore, this is all your fault.’

‘Well, that may be the case,’ shrugged Chris. ‘But you should know that the amount I care about your convoluted theories ... is a percent equivalent to zero. Just sayin’.’ Darren’s jaw dropped, while Chris tossed him a smirk before all but flouncing away.

‘Seriously?’ he shouted after his friend. ‘ _Seriously_? That’s your comeback?’

His only answer was the laughter echoing in the still silence.


	3. Day the Third (and last ... thank Wizard God)

Darren’s phone rang. While that in itself wasn’t an unusual occurrence, the fact that it was almost midnight and he had just settled down for the night made him pause and frown at the phone ringing away on his bedside table.

It couldn’t be any of his cast mates; they would all be in bed, getting as much sleep as they could after spending a day with the StarKids. There was a chance it was Ryan or Brad or one of the other higher-ups on the Glee crew, but they were usually good about ringing in the middle of the night.

Unless it was an emergency. And it was only that fear that something had gone wrong that had Darren reaching out for his phone.

‘Hello?’ he grunted, voice heavy with sleep.                                                    

There was no answer.

Struggling to sit up, he repeated his greeting. ‘Hello? Is anyone there?’

This time, he could hear heavy breathing, before all of a sudden the line went dead.

Slowly, he lowered the phone from his ear, pausing to check the number. It wasn’t one that he recognised, which meant that the chances of this being a prank was slim to none. Because not even the StarKids had access to infinite sim cards.

There was a sinking feeling in his stomach as he set his phone aside.

He had a stalker.

He didn’t sleep at all that night.

.

‘Darren!’ Chris shouted.

‘Wha –?’ Darren jerked awake.

‘Are you alright?’ asked Chris, eyes wide with worry. ‘You look like you’ve had no sleep at all.’

‘That’s probably because I haven’t,’ Darren said, before he broke off into a wide yawn.

‘What’s wrong? Did something happen?’

‘Well...’ Darren paused for a second. But really, if there was anyone who could help, it would be Chris. ‘Alright, so last night, I got a call.’

‘From?’

‘I don’t know.’

Chris frowned. ‘Uh ... did you check the phone number?’

‘Yes, I –’ Darren broke off with a shake of his head. ‘I didn’t recognise the number. And when I picked up the phone, all I heard was someone breathing and – I’m kinda scared I’ve got a stalker or something.’

His friend instantly sat up straighter, eyes alert, a faint frown marring his face. ‘Has this happened before? Have you gotten any other phone calls?’

‘No, not that I – wait, there might have been ... um, a few days ago,’ Darren said, trying to remember. ‘I don’t – I remember getting out of rehearsal and seeing a missed call, and not recognising the number either ... but I didn’t really think twice. Wait, you don’t think –?’

‘Give me your phone,’ demanded Chris, and Darren handed the thing over at once. As Chris looked through the call records, the look in his eyes became grimmer and grimmer. ‘You don’t ... you don’t check your phone that often, do you?’

‘No, I barely know how to use that thing. Why?’

‘You’ve had several missed calls, from the same number,’ said Chris, showing him the list, upon which were names like “ _Mum”, “Dad”,_ and “ _Ryan_ ”, interspersed with the same number quite a few times.

‘Is this ... is it bad?’ Darren asked hesitantly, taking his phone back.

‘Well,’ said Chris grimly. ‘It depends. It looks like you’ve got yourself a stalker. But at least they don’t seem dangerous.’ _Yet ..._ though that part remained unsaid. And while the two later treated the subject of the stalker as carelessly as they would treat talk of the weather, Chris quietly explained the situation to Ryan Murphy and for the rest of the day Darren found himself with at least two pairs of eyes on him at any given time, carefully making sure he was not in trouble.

.

Apparently, the previous day, when Lea had stormed out of the cafeteria, she’d confronted Ryan and demanded to know why one of the guest stars was allowed to sing a song from someone as amazing and inspirational as Barbra Streisand. Normally, Lea was a pleasant person; in fact, aside from Darren, she was probably one of the nicest cast members. However, the girl could hold a grudge. And unfortunately, she and Jaimee had basically labelled each other the enemy the moment Jaimee had walked into the Meeting Room and “serenaded” Chris.

But anyway, motivation aside, not only could Lea hold a grudge, she also had the power to get revenge. Which was the reason she now had an amazing song to sing. The only downside ... it wasn’t a solo. No, it was a duet. With Jaimee herself.

Almost the entire cast had crashed the Maritians set to watch this duet being filmed. Amongst them was Darren, sitting so tensely that it appeared he would be ready to jump up into action at any moment. Because he was – he knew, better than anyone, how competitive both girls were, and as cruel as it sounds, he was fully expecting one of them to slap the other. And with the song being filmed live, he wouldn’t be surprised if some underhanded tactics were used to gain the advantage.

He wasn’t the only one who was feeling nervous about this showdown. Next to him, Chris had yet to stop fidgeting, muttering under his breath about what a bad idea this was. Even some of the StarKids looked apprehensive. Brian on the other hand, was very vocally egging Jaimee on, while booing at Rachel. That’s right, not at Lea, but at Rachel.

‘Brian, shut up,’ Darren hissed, ‘or they’ll throw you off set.’

‘You shut up,’ said Brian.

‘Eloquent as ever with your retorts, I see.’

At that moment, the A.D. called for quiet on set, and just like that filming for one of the tensest scenes in the episode began.

‘Well, well, well,’ Jaimee said, her voice carrying spectacularly across the set. ‘If it isn’t little Miss “I-can’t-hold-a-note-for-more-than-three-seconds-without-crying”. What brings you to our humble little corner of the world?’

‘Alright Jaimee, you may have won that stupid competition, but those judges were not at all qualified enough to have made that decision,’ Lea snarled.

‘They were qualified enough to give me a freaking massive trophy.’

‘No they weren’t – okay, look, that isn’t what I’m here about,’ said Lea, holding up her hand. ‘Even though it’s quite obvious even to tone deaf people that I deserved that trophy, I’m here instead to ask you to _back off_ your grudge against Blaine. Whatever else he may have done, he does not deserve your hatred, or your taunts, and especially not your vicious attempts to _beat him down_.’

‘Oh yeah?’ Jaimee sniffed dismissively . ‘Well, what are you going to do about it?’

At those words, the backing tack began to play, and several microphones were lowered from above to catch the live performance, while at the same time staying out of view of the camera. Lea advanced towards Jaimee, her expression so fierce that even those watching began to carefully edge away. And when she started singing, there was a hard edge to her voice that had never been present before.

_They told him don't you ever come around here_

_Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear_

_The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear_

_So beat it, just beat it_

Jaimee smirked as she took over, using her superior height to her advantage and bearing down on Lea as she sang, forcing the other girl to keep backing up until there was nowhere left to run. Quirking an eyebrow in a silent challenge, Jaimee raised the stakes, warping the melody with practiced ease as she unleashed the pure power of her voice, sending chills down their spines as she sang so flawlessly.

_You better run, you better do what you can_

_Don't wanna see no blood, don't be a macho man_

_You wanna be tough, better do what you can_

_So beat it, but you wanna be bad_

Lea sneered as she advanced towards Jaimee with precise steps. They met in the middle with a fire that shook the room to its very core, each snarling in the other’s face as they tried to get the other to back down first.

_Just beat it, beat it_

_No one wants to be defeated_

_Showin' how funky strong is your fight and_

_It doesn't matter who's wrong or right_

_Just beat it, beat it_

Complete and utter silence drenched the set when the two girls finished singing, both breathing heavily as they continued to exchange glares.

 ‘Wow,’ breathed Chris. ‘Just ... _wow_.’

‘Yeah,’ Darren nodded. ‘Some duet, huh?’

Almost as soon as the two girls finished their scene and the director had yelled ‘CUT!’, Lea turned to face them all with a scarily expectant look on her face.

‘So? Who was better?’ she demanded of her small audience. When no one responded, her eyes narrowed dangerously and she began to single people out. ‘Cory? Dianna? Chris? Joey?’

The three edged away, while Heather just blinked confusedly. ‘Wait, isn’t she pointing at Joe?’

‘Now’s not the best time to be questioning that,’ Darren whispered, before grabbing Chris’s arm and making a run for it. Judging from the frantic footsteps around him, he wasn’t the only one with that idea. Chris ran next to him, laughing breathlessly at the situation, and once they were a safe distance away, Darren collapsed into giggles as well.

Neither Lea nor Jaimee talked to each other for the rest of the morning.

.

‘No, that doesn’t rhyme with “forget”!’ Joey groaned.

‘Well, you think of something better!’ snapped Lauren, hanging upside down by her legs from the air duct.

The StarKids were all gathered in the Meeting Room – or at least, all except for Meredith and Joe. Their final day of filming was rather relaxed, all things considered. It seemed that they’d already finished all their previous scenes, and there was only one left to film, which would take place that afternoon.

For now though, they were trying to rewrite another one of Darren’s songs, but this time they wanted to do it right. Because it was the song they were planning on singing in farewell.

‘Well, how about ...’ Jaimee paused for a second, humming the original melody before breaking in with her new words: ‘“.. _.and loved and laughed and meant_ ”?’

‘Meant what?’ Brian blinked.

‘Like, how much this all meant to us,’ explained Jaimee. ‘Can’t really fit the “to us” part in, but I’m sure Darren will understand.’

‘I like it,’ said Joey decisively, writing it down.

‘Me too!’ said Lauren, just for something to say.

At that moment, Grant Gustin walked in, dressed not in his usual Dalton attire, but rather in his own clothes. He had just arrived on set, and wasn’t due to go to hair and makeup for another hour. An hour in which he planned to spend getting through to Brian that he was _not_ Sebastian.

‘Alright Brian, I’ve got a bone to pick with you,’ Grant said, pushing his glasses further up his nose. ‘Look mate, Darren has already explained to me about your bizarre tendencies to confuse fiction and reality, something which I believe you need to see someone about –’

But Grant never got any further than that, for the next moment Brian had bounded over with a grin and pulled Grant into a tight hug. ‘Hello Grant! Darren’s told us so much about you!’ Standing back, he added: ‘You know, you dress rather like Blaine – do the two of you go to the same stylists or something?’

And once again Grant was left with a loosely hanging jaw, while the rest of the StarKids in the room snickered at his confusion.

‘Thank goodness you don’t wear a bowtie though,’ Brian carried on as if nothing was different. ‘I really wanted to rip the bowtie off Blaine, because he just wears them _all the time_ , but I didn’t think Kurt would appreciate me getting handsy with his man.’

‘A – Are you being serious?’ asked Grant incredulously.

‘Well, I mean, what with Sebastian going after Blaine too, he probably wouldn’t take too well to having another potential suitor.’

‘Grant, can I talk to you for a minute buddy?’ Joey decided to interrupt, pulling Grant away from Brian, who merely shrugged and waved farewell.

‘What is wrong – why isn’t he shouting at me today?’ Grant asked, completely and utterly befuddled by them.

Joey had to snort at his situation. ‘It’s because you’re not dressed like Sebastian Smythe. Look, you’re wearing a cardigan, you’ve got sneakers on – you’re even wearing glasses. It means that Brian can separate the two of you; in his head, you are literally two different people.’

Admittedly, Joey had to hand it to Grant; for being so utterly and irrevocably confused by the StarKids, he still managed to make a weak joke. ‘So, you just make sure you never show him “ _Terminal Velocity”_ then?’

 ‘Yeah,’ Joey laughed. ‘Don’t worry, Brian hates all crime shows. _CSI Miami_ is quite up there – he says it makes no sense.’

‘ _This_ makes no sense,’ said Grant, shaking his head. ‘You know what? I’m just going to leave while I can, eh?’

‘Probably a good plan,’ Joey said, nodding solemnly. ‘I’ll catch you around.’

Pretty soon though, they were all called away to Wardrobe to begin preparations for their last scene ever. There was a definite sense of sadness lingering on the set – the Lima Bean that had been decorated with black and gold balloons, where the New Directions would be hosting a party in celebration of their Regionals win, a party in which they invite both the Warblers and the Moonshoes to. In the corner of the set though, sat Meredith and Joe, both giggling over something Joe held in his hand.

‘What ya guys doing?’ Joey asked, curious.

Joe looked around before showing him the object that had been in his hand – Darren’s phone.

‘We changed his ringtones!’ Meredith cackled. ‘He’s in for the surprise of his life!’

At that moment, Darren walked on set with Heather, digging around frantically in his bag. At once, Meredith and Joe melted away, just as Darren spotted Joey and walked up to him, Heather in tow.

‘Joey, have you seen my phone?’ asked Darren, his eyebrows furrowed in worry.

‘No,’ Joey said, valiantly suppressing his smirk. ‘No, not at all.’

‘Hang on – you introduced yourself as “Joe” yesterday!’ accused Heather, pointing her finger at him.

‘What? No, I’m definitely “Joey”.’

‘But – but you definitely said you were “Joe”!’

‘Heather, do you ever worry that you start to become your character?’ Joey said. ‘Because I am most definitely _not_ “Joe”.’

‘I could’ve sworn ...’ Heather walked away, muttering under her breath.

‘Not a nice joke,’ said Darren.

‘Hey, you didn’t do anything to stop it.’

‘I’ve learnt not to get in between you and Joe,’ said Darren. Very wise of him too. ‘And are you sure you haven’t seen my phone?’

Joey looked around before he spotted it. Lying on one of the tables was Darren’s phone, the same one that had been in Joe’s possession a few minutes ago. He and Meredith had left it in plain sight, hoping to get away with stealing it by making it look like Darren had merely left it lying around. ‘Isn’t that your phone?’

‘Oh hey, it is!’ beamed Darren, bouncing over to retrieve his possession. ‘Huh, strange; I don’t remember leaving it here at all.’

‘Yeah, fancy that,’ Joey said, hiding his grin.

‘ALRIGHT EVERYONE! QUIET ON SET!’ Ryan shouted. There was almost immediate silence as everyone bustled around to their starting positions, with Darren quickly hurrying away to deposit his bag while slipping his phone into his pocket so as not to lose it again, while the crew ran checks on their equipment and the Director gave his last few instructions. ‘So, this is the final scene we’ll be shooting – remember it’s a party, so do try and look happy. Everyone ready? Play the music – cameras rolling – and ... ACTION!’

The various New Directions cast began to mingle with the Warblers, greeting them like old friends, while the StarKids waited in the wings of the set for their cue to enter.

‘What did you two change the ringtones to?’ Joey whispered to Meredith and Joe, while keeping an eye on the Director.

‘Oh, you’ll see,’ said Meredith. Beside her, Joe just smirked.

Joey was about to push them further, but before he could they were given their cue to actually enter the set. Schooling his features into one of hesitancy, he reached out and pushed open the doors. The Moonshoes filed in slowly, each looking around with great uncertainty. At that moment, Cory came bounding up to them.

‘Hey guys,’ he beamed, shouting over the music. ‘Glad you could make it!’

‘Yeah, thanks for inviting us ...’

‘Finn. Finn Hudson,’ Cory said, sticking out his hand. ‘You egged my house.’

‘Yeah, we did,’ said Brian rather apologetically.

‘It’s cool, stuff like that happens,’ said Cory, waving the comment away. ‘Everyone’s here, so feel free to mingle – we’ve got a buffet, and later I think my girlfriend’s going to take over the music; though she did say she’ll leave it open-mic.’

‘Wait – your girlfriend’s going to sing?’ Jaimee asked, eyes narrowed. ‘As in – Rachel Berry?’

‘Yeah. Look, I know you’ve got issues, but we don’t want any trouble tonight. Cool?’

‘Don’t worry,’ said Joey, ‘we’ve got this.’

‘Thanks bro. I’ll catch you around!’ and with that, Cory departed, making a beeline for Lea who was already beginning to set up the karaoke machine.

‘Alright guys,’ Lauren said uncomfortably, ‘let’s ... uh ... mingle?’

The Moonshoes edged forward slowly, all clearly unsure about the situation. Upon noticing them, Riker Lynch and Curt Mega skipped towards them with identical grins, stealing Lauren and Meredith away and pulling the two girls onto the dance floor. And just like that, their little circle was broken. Joe was drawn into a conversation with Jenna, Harry and Kevin, while Brian was approached by Grant. Joey was quite certain the hesitancy in Grant’s eyes was actually real, though he supposed that anyone in Grant’s situation would treat the highly volatile Brian with care. Brian, thank goodness, actually stuck to the script, despite his obvious want to strangle Grant on the spot.

After Jaimee was waved over by Lea, Joey was left on his own at the outskirts of the crowd. It was then that Darren began to make his way towards him, stopping only to press a brief reassuring kiss to a very worried Chris’s cheek.

‘Joey,’ Darren greeted rather coolly.

‘Hello fairy – um ... Anderson,’ Joey said, before painfully forcing out through gritted teeth: ‘Congrats on the win.’

‘That means nothing coming from you.’

‘I know.’

There was a pause in which they both let the thumping music wash over them. ‘I don’t care.’

‘About what?’ Joey asked with a frown.

‘About you,’ said Darren, crossing his arms. ‘You made my life a living hell. You drove me out of my own school. You made me hate what I was; _who_ I was. You made me feel so ... _ashamed_ , that for the first few months at Dalton, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. And yet, you know what? _I don’t care_. Because for all you’ve bullied and tormented and tried to cut me down, I’m the one who ended up on top.’

Joey was waiting for Darren’s next lines, something about having a boyfriend and a trophy and a life, but it never came. What did, however, was a faint buzzing noise evident even over the music, the result of powerful vibrations that caused Darren to jump in shock. The next moment, very loud music filled the air, slicing cleanly through the beat of the party.

_You get the best of both worlds!_

Eyes wide, swearing very fluently, Darren pulled out his phone from his pocket while everyone stopped and stared. Well, everyone except for Meredith and Joe, both of whom were desperately trying to hold in their laughter.

‘What the hell?’ Darren exclaimed. ‘This was definitely not my ringtone!’

‘Are you sure?’ Joey grinned. ‘You are pretty incompetent with technology.’

Darren gave him a look that could’ve killed, while Ryan just sighed and signalled for the cameras to cut and reset. While the StarKids were ushered back out the set, Joey secretly high-fived Meredith and Joe, congratulating them on a job well done.

‘We should totally change his ringtone to “ _Wannabe_ ”,’ Joe whispered.

‘Oh my God, yes!’ Meredith grinned.

‘Alright, you distract him, I’ll get his phone.’ Joe paused, before changing his plan. ‘Actually, even better – we’ll distract him, and get Chris to grab his phone, since I doubt he trusts us very much at the moment.’

‘If this wasn’t so funny, I would actually feel sorry for Darren,’ Joey said, shaking his head.

Lauren gasped, and pointed a finger at him. ‘Blasphemy!’

‘What? No – I’m not siding with the traitor!’ Joey said quickly, throwing up his hands.

‘Good,’ said Lauren. ‘For a moment, I was afraid he had converted you.’

Filming began once more, though it was quickly stopped when Chris, who had been dancing with Darren and Heather, tripped over one of the chairs and went flying through the air, taking out half the tables with him. While most of the StarKids rushed to their friend’s side, the rest of the cast barely batted an eyelid, acting as if Chris’s accident was a rather usual occurrence. This was cemented when Chris got to his feet and brushed it off as if nothing had happened, leaving the StarKids rather confused and not liking the fact that for once, they were out of the loop.

‘Bring on Plan Spice Girls,’ hissed Meredith, just as Chris slipped the newly programmed phone back into Darren’s pocket and shot them a wink.

‘Plan Spice Girls is a go,’ said Joe, dialling Darren’s number. Almost immediately, Darren’s phone began to ring.

_Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want_

_So tell me what you want, what you really, really want_

_I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want_

_So tell me what you want, what you really, really want_

‘WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?’ Darren roared, staring at his phone as if it had just told him Twilight was the best thing ever invented.

Of course, that facial expression coupled with the fact that “ _Wannabe_ ” was still playing in a loop, caused most of the StarKids (not to mention the rest of the cast and crew) to completely lose it.

.

‘And that is a wrap!’

The assembled cast and crew broke out into cheers, pulling each other into hugs while Ryan continued to address them.

‘Unfortunately, this also means that we must say goodbye to our wonderful guest-stars this week. Guys, let’s give it up for Team StarKid!’

The subsequent applause could’ve blown the roof of the studio. The StarKids smiled smiles tinged with the sad knowledge that after today, they would no longer be here. Beside them, Darren’s eyes had also dimmed. These past few days for him had been just like ... well, just like the golden days (or so he thought of them) back in Uni, when they’d all hang out and do stupid things together.

‘Don’t look so down,’ came Chris’s gentle voice. ‘You’ve still got the after-party now. And I assume you’re the one driving them to the airport?’

In honour of the StarKids, the Glee cast had decided to throw them a surprise after-party in farewell. Like all good surprises though, word of the party somehow managed to spread, and all the StarKids now knew about it. Not that it stopped them being any less excited.

‘Yeah,’ Darren said, forcing a smile. ‘Yeah, you’re right.’

‘Of course I am.’ But the look in Chris’s eyes was just a little too understanding. ‘Remember – don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.’

That pulled a laugh out of Darren.

‘Come on,’ said Chris, linking his arm through Darren’s. ‘Let’s go give your friends a party they can remember.’

The after-party was held in the Meeting Room, which someone had decorated so wildly that it looked like an explosion had taken place. Nonetheless, the StarKids were highly excited about the whole thing, talking at five-hundred miles an hour. Lauren climbed onto the food table so that she could shimmy her way back into the air duct, where she watched over the proceedings like an over-protective mother hawk.

‘Hey, Joe!’ Heather called, approaching Joey with a wrapped parcel in her hands. ‘Joe, I got you a present.’

‘I’m Joey,’ was the annoyed reply. Apparently, Joey hadn’t expected his little prank to have taken such a deep root.

‘What? I swear, yesterday you said you were Joe!’

‘No, I’m definitely Joey!’

‘You told me you were Joe!’

Joey glared at her. ‘ _Bitch I ain’t Joe_!’

‘Uh, Heather? Can I talk to you for a sec?’ Chris said, pulling the startled girl aside, and leaving Darren laughing at Joey’s predicament.

‘I can’t believe she’s so gullible!’ groaned Joey.

‘That’s not being gullible – that’s being trusting,’ Darren sniggered. ‘And it serves you right.’

‘Shut up, Darren.’

Of course, since Darren was on top for the moment, the universe had to go and ruin that for him. And the ruining came in the form of his suddenly vibrating phone, causing him to jump in shock once more. He hurriedly pulled his phone out, but before he could stop it, a very chirpy ringtone began to play.

_I’m sexy, I’m cute! I’m popular to boot!_

_I’m bitchin’, great hair! The boys all love to stare!_

_I’m wanted, I’m hot! I’m everything you’re not!_

Almost everyone within hearing distance (ie – everyone in the party) basically pissed themselves laughing as Darren hurriedly jammed the “ignore call” button, his face bright red.

‘I don’t understand,’ he muttered distractedly. He was quite sure that his phone had never had such humiliating ringtones before, ever.

‘Darren, mate,’ snorted Meredith, slinging an arm over his shoulders. ‘Didn’t realise you thought so highly of yourself!’

‘Shut up.’

‘You shut up.’

‘Beautiful retort, Meredith,’ Darren said, twisting out of her grasp. And then, it clicked. ‘Wait ... you did this, didn’t you?’

‘What do you mean?’ her eyes were a little too wide to be completely innocent.

‘Oh my God, how did I not see this! You and Joe did the exact same thing to me when we met up for “ _Starship_ ”!’

At that, Meredith dropped all pretence. ‘Yeah, you’re a funny one to prank.’

‘Change my ringtone back!’ Darren growled, holding out his phone. ‘And make it normal!’

‘Okay, okay!’ said Meredith, rolling her eyes as she set about reconfiguring Darren’s phone. Joey quickly excused himself from the pair; apparently, he was not able to keep a straight face in front of Darren anymore. The other StarKids though, had no problem with laughing at Darren in his face. He could even hear Lauren’s distinct giggle in the background. Chris walked up to him with a grin, handing him a can of coke which he accepted gratefully.

‘Hello Chris, you wonderful person!’ Jaimee beamed. ‘Come to join the fun?’

‘Of course! Who could miss Darren being tormented?’

‘And here I thought you were on my side,’ Darren grumbled.

‘Sorry,’ grinned Chris. ‘Your friends are just so much more charming than you.’

‘Gee thanks,’ Darren said sarcastically.

Their light conversation was interrupted by Meredith, who spoke up in an oddly strangled voice. ‘Darren? Why is my mum’s number on your phone so many times?’

‘Huh? What do you mean?’

‘In your call records, her number’s here like ten times or something,’ said Meredith. Her eyes suddenly widened, as she snapped up to gaze horrified at Darren. ‘Oh my God – you’re not –!’

‘What – no! No – ew!’ Darren said, his face twisting into one of disgust. ‘No – how can you even think that?!’

‘Too much CSI?’ Jaimee suggested.

Meredith agreed with a nod. ‘Why is my mum calling you though? Did she say?’

‘Well, considering this is news to me – no.’

‘Holy – Meredith, give me the phone,’ Chris suddenly said. Meredith handed over Darren’s phone. As soon as Chris looked at the call records, he broke down into uncontained, almost maniacal laughter.

‘Chris?’ Darren said worriedly. ‘Are you – what the hell?’

‘Oh – oh – this is _priceless_!’ said Chris, trying to gain his breath. ‘Look – _look!_ ’

He shoved the phone under Darren’s nose, pointing a shaking finger at the numbers. There was the familiar list of _Ryan, mum, dad,_ and also the numbers interspersing them, the ones he and Chris had concluded as belonging to his stalker. ‘Yeah?’

‘See those numbers – these ones? Know who they belong to?’

‘No – Chris, are you sure you’re alright?’ Darren frowned.

‘Your stalker, Darren!’ Chris laughed. ‘Your stalker – she’s Meredith’s mum!’

Darren choked on thin air. Beside him, after a beat of letting the news sink in, Jaimee and Brian dissolved into uncontrollable laughter. Meredith looked completely torn between mortification and hilarity; the result was a rather interesting facial expression.

‘This is like – you have no idea how funny this is!’ continued Chris, clutching his stomach as he continued to laugh at Darren’s predicament.

‘I’m glad you think so,’ Darren grumbled.

Their laughter was just dying off when Heather approached them cautiously. ‘Hey, are you guys alright?’ Of course, that set them right off again.

‘Don’t mind my friends,’ Darren said, as Joey rejoined the group and the others regaled the story to him. ‘They’re in their own little category of insanity.’

‘So I’ve noticed,’ said Heather dryly.

The party continued around them as they lapsed into silence, listening to the StarKids bursting out into occasional laughter. Over by the vents, Lauren was hanging upside-down with her legs hooked in the air ducts, casually chatting to Riker. Looking around though, Darren suddenly realised that Joe was nowhere to be seen. In fact, he didn’t think he’d seen his friend since they’d wrapped up filming...

‘Hey, has anyone seen Joe?’ Darren asked, looking around. While none of the StarKids bothered to answer, he did notice Heather flinch rather violently when he said Joe’s name.

At that moment, there was a strange rustling noise. Everyone looked up at the P.A. system, which (to their knowledge) had never been used. Well, someone was certainly trying to use it now. Probably without permission too, judging by the dumbfounded look on Ryan’s face.

‘People of Glee – it’s me!’ Joe’s voice suddenly came over the speakers, causing everyone to jump. Everyone except the StarKids, who’d already known, and Darren, who really should’ve guessed. ‘Soon, we’ll be leaving you guys and headed back to our lives of musical theatre and wrecking havoc. But before we go, the StarKids and I just wanted to sing a little farewell, to show our thanks for letting us bring our own brand of crazy into your lives. Hit it!’

Brian picked up the guitar and began to play a very familiar sounding introduction. At Darren’s groan, Joey laughed and wrapped an arm around his friend’s shoulders, before launching into the song with a bittersweet smile.

_We spent these past few days to learn_

_Just how to get along_

And Darren had to grin, because once again they were taking his song and warping the lyrics. But this time, for the first time, he didn’t care at all. Meredith stepped forward, her eyes downcast as she threw her arms around Darren and pulled him into the tightest hug known to man. Her voice, when she started singing, came out muffled against his clothes.

_The time has come for us to part_

_But you’ll stay always in my heart_

Darren readied himself to sing the next line because, well, it was _his_ line. But as Brian shoved his hand against Darren’s mouth, he should’ve known nothing would ever be that simple. Instead, Joe’s voice came out over the P.A. as he once again stole Darren’s verse.

_Here’s hoping that you won’t forget_

_How much we helped, and loved, and laughed, and meant_

There was some laughter as Darren shook his head. And then, Lauren came back-flipping out of the air ducts one last time, somehow landing on her feet. It was truly a mark of just how well they’d all gotten to know each other, and accepted each other, that no one flinched. Instead, they all looked to her expectantly, waiting for her to take over the song. And she didn’t disappoint, leaping up onto Darren’s back as she sang.

_Don’t worry ‘cause we’ll come back later_

_Just so we can do this all again!_

‘Join in – we haven’t changed the lyrics to the chorus!’ Lauren exclaimed, tugging on Darren’s hair, who swatted her off with a laugh, while Jaimee and Brian pulled Chris into their little circle as they all belted out the chorus.

_I don’t wanna see you go_

_But it’s not forever, not forever_

_Even if it was you know that_

_I would never let it get me down_

_‘Cause you’re the part of me that_

_Makes me better wherever I go_

_So I will try not to cry_

_No one needs to say “goodbye”_

The song ended with plenty of laughter and back-slapping and impromptu hugs. As the entire cast of Glee flocked forwards to say their farewells, Joe had one final message for them, shouted through the P.A. system that was pretty much broadcasting to the entire studio:

‘Starkids out, bitches!’

.

The drive to the airport was filled with sing-a-longs and forgotten lyrics. Darren laughed along with his friends, all of them stuffed rather unceremoniously into his car. While he had offered to bring Chris along, his friend had declined, saying that he would only be in the way. And he’d possibly been right, since their trip basically consisted of little more than in-jokes and reminiscing stories. At the airport, he helped find his friends trolleys, and walked with them towards their gate. When at last he couldn’t go any further, they all came to a halt, standing in a tight circle, ignoring all the stares of travellers who recognised them.

‘Well, I guess this is it,’ Darren said, not caring at all that his voice sounded rather choked.

‘It’s been a blast,’ said Joey.

Darren smiled, his eyes overbright with unshed tears. ‘It was nice seeing you guys again.’

‘You too, Darren,’ said Joey, thumping his friend on the shoulder. ‘But hey, we’ll catch you soon, yeah?’

‘We still need our Harry, after all,’ said Brian.

‘Yeah, of course, don’t worry,’ Darren nodded firmly, pulling the boy into a hug. ‘You’re not getting away from me that easily.’

‘Take care, Darren,’ said Lauren, jumping into his arms.

‘We’ll miss you,’ added Meredith.

Darren sniffed as all the StarKids piled in for one massive group hug. ‘I’m going to miss you guys so much.’

‘Then come visit!’ exclaimed Joe, ruffling his hair.

‘Yeah, the others would love to see you again,’ said Jaimee.

‘When Glee breaks, I’ll be on the first flight over,’ Darren promised.

Joe rolled his eyes. ‘Damn that G.L.E.E. – they’re always screwing with our plans!’

There was a round of laughter tinged with the watery sadness of best friends parting once more. Darren tightened his hold in the group hug, reluctant to let them go. For all their teasing and taunting and jokes on his behalf, they were his little group of misfits, his best friends, the greatest friends in the whole wide world.

‘Y – you guys better get going,’ Darren finally sighed. ‘I don’t want you to miss your plane.’

‘They wouldn’t dare leave without us,’ said Lauren. ‘We’re just too awesome for that.’

‘Yeah – totally awesome,’ said Joey, a Red Vine casually hanging from the corner of his mouth, wobbling precariously as he talked.

And Darren laughed, because he had to, because the alternative was to break down and start crying in the middle of the airport, which wasn’t something he was prepared to do. As the last boarding call for their flight was announced, Darren pulled his friends back into one last hug.

‘I’ll – I’ll catch you guys later, yeah?’ he said, reluctantly letting them go.

‘Definitely,’ nodded Brian.

‘Take care,’ Meredith smiled, before they picked up their bags and headed towards their boarding gate.

Darren watched them go, his heart breaking a little with each step they took out of his sight. At that moment, he wished Chris had come with him, if only so that there was an anchor holding him back. Because right now, there was nothing preventing him from running after his friends. He shook his head rapidly, forcing such dangerous thoughts out of his mind before they could take hold. As he turned to leave, however, a sudden loud shout cut through the hustle of the airport.

‘What?! That’s _absurd_!’

That was definitely Brian. Moments later, and the other StarKids’ voices rang out too.

‘I am looking at the clock, and it clearly _finds_ us to be on time!’ Meredith yelled.

‘If you don’t open that gate right now, my father will hear about this!’ came Lauren’s voice.

With a smile so big that it threatened to split his face, Darren continued on his way out of the airport once more, chuckling to himself as he left. It really seemed fitting though, that after everything his friends had put him through in the past few days, it was he who’d gotten the last laugh.

All was well.


End file.
